So, dear readers and followers, I started a new job last week. I’m teaching at a pre-school! I know, I know how awesome of a role model am I? Besides being overwhelmed, frightened, and exhausted, I’ve been enormously entertained. Why, you ask? Well, I’ve come to the staggering conclusion that pre-schoolers are simply just little drunk adults. Since realizing this, I’ve enjoyed my job ever so much more, and can sympathize with the little ankle-biting-ninja-huggers. Inspired by my new revelation, I thought we could play a little game today–I’ll tell you a story, and you guess whether the protagonist in question is a pre-schooler or an adult. Sound like fun? Ok. Let’s play.
1. While on a family vacation, she hopped into a gorgeous mosaic-tile fountain in the courtyard and belted out a chorus of “Life is a Highway.”
2. He took his shirt off and drew the Superman symbol on his chest, then asked me if I needed any “special help.”
3. While at a funeral, she stripped off all of her clothes, and ran down the hallway naked.
4. He said, “Let’s play fight.” Then got a busted lip from his best friend.
5. He passed out cold in a plate of spaghetti.
6. She hugged a dude she’d never met and said, “I love you SOOOOOOOOO much!” Then kissed him on the cheek.
7. He did an Appalachian buck dance and ended up falling flat on his ass–to much laughter.
8. She took off running full speed and ran right into the wall–face first.
9. She danced for hours to imaginary music in her head.
10. She sat on a potted plant and peed on it, while still fully clothed.
Hard to tell, isn’t it? Apparently the fountain of youth is alcohol! Who knew? Here’s to staying young forever! Oh, you want to know the answers? Here we go.
How did you do? Did anyone get them all right? They really could’ve gone either way, couldn’t they? In other news, I will not disclose any information regarding the identities of the adults in question,( as long as they get their deposits in my bank account on time.)
As I mentioned earlier, since I’ve begun to look at these pre-schoolers as little drunken adults, I feel more confident in my job. Among my friends, I’m often the designated driver because I have control issues that prevent anyone else from driving my car. While I do miss out on having a fun wine buzz, those nights of shenanigans where I’m the only sober one are often more entertaining than those times when I have a drink (or three) in me. I love to watch my friends act so silly and stupid–becoming increasingly courageous with each drink. In my college days and beyond, I’ve seen friends urinate in public, be belligerent to strangers or bar staff, get very lovey-dovey with me, bump into walls, doors, and each other, cry for no reason, laugh for no reason, and fall fast asleep at the drop of a hat. I could write a book based on their drunken behavior–but I won’t.
Being the designated driver for a car full of drunken folk has totally prepared me to teach pre-school! I can relate to the kid who is spinning around and dancing to imaginary music. I can sympathize to the kid who ran smack dab into the door frame. I can take all the sticky hugs and crotch smacks in stride. Most of all, I can laugh at them; knowing all the while that this is just a phase that will pass. They’ll grow up and become sober eventually. If you’re the parent of a toddler and nervous about it, just remember how you held back your girlfriend’s hair while she threw up. Remember all those times you took care of your fraternity brothers when they had one too many. You’ve got this. You can take care of them until they grow out of their drunken stupor. That’s my plan at work, anyway. Until they sober up, I’ll keep chasing the naked kids. Wait…that sounds like it’ll land me in jail. Strike that and let me rephrase. Until then, I’ll keep chasing after the free-spirited young’uns, and dancing to the imaginary music with them.